"Jo kahungaa sach kahungaa, sach ke siwaa kuch nahin kahungaa..."
Childhood memories have a way of resurfacing out of the blue, triggered by something or the other. I often catch myself traveling back in time to reflect on life-changing incidents in my life and it happened yet again the other day while I was watching a Hindi crime thriller on TV. I stumbled upon this particular dialogue (though I must have heard this quote a thousand times before as well, without any reaction but this time it was different) and I was instantly transported back to my growing up years, to one particular incident. That day still feels so fresh.
It's actually funny how a one-off incident sometimes goes on to impart an unforgettable lesson to you and eventually shapes your character. I was in the fourth standard then. Those were the days when we weren't well-off and mummy, papa had to go through a lot of economic hardships to raise us up. Me and my brother had our share of sacrifices too, we would often excuse ourselves from going on a school excursion or picnic or to a friend's birthday party for we couldn't have afforded a nice gift. Similarly we had to think twice before planning for any festive occasion or before inviting our friends home on our birthdays. Though we weren't unhappy but joyous moments were far and few between. But there was one thing that never failed to bring joy into my family, especially to mummy -- the time when my exam results were declared. I was good in studies and always got the first rank in my class. Every time I returned home with the report card card beaming with joy, mummy's face too used to light up like we had won some lottery. She would hug me tight and plant so many kisses on my forehead and cheeks. I could have done anything to have her happy that way always.
It was the half yearly exam and we were having social studies that day. I had answered almost all the questions but I didn't know the answers of two questions. Had I left them unanswered, I would have probably lost about 10-12 marks (if I remember correctly), which I couldn't afford because I had a very tough competitor in my classmate Ashis, we would often run neck and neck with our marks, though I always managed to pip him to the first rank. I had the ready option of asking my friend Bipin, who used to sit beside me, to help me with the answers and I could have still secured the highest marks in the subject. But then, though mummy always wanted me to come first in the class but she had also taught us to achieve that through hard labour and nothing else, she would always ask us never to resort to any unfair means whatsoever to get good marks, however tempting that may be. More than anything, my first rank was a sure-shot reason for happiness in my family, I couldn't have let it go. On the other hand, it was the question of siding with dishonesty. I was in two minds. But eventually I went for dishonesty, I asked Bipin to show me his answers and I reproduced them on my answer-sheet.
The paper got over, the exam got over but that one act had burdened me with guilt. I had never ever cheated before but now that I had indulged in the dishonest act, I had become a culprit, so I felt. I just couldn't get that incident out of my mind, my conscience continued to prick me each day. I thought I would get over it as days would pass but it didn't. In a few days, our results were declared too and as I had expected it, I had secured the first rank. But as luck would have it, I had got only six marks more than Ashis. Had I not cheated and left those two questions unanswered, I would have only got a second rank. So in a way, I had snatched the first rank, which was rightfully Ashis's, with my dishonest act in the social studies paper!
When I shared the news of my first rank with mummy and others at home, as always, mummy was the most ecstatic, so much that she asked me to invite my friends for a small party.
"But mummy, why waste money on a party over an exam result, that too of the half-yearly exam? I would have understood it, had it been for the annual exam result? The final exams are still far away. But I assure you that I will get the first rank in the finals too and then we would throw a party", I said.
"No, Ritlu, this result too calls for a celebration. I can manage a party now too, it won't disturb our monthly budget. I know you must have felt sad when you weren't able to celebrate your birthday three weeks back. We were tight on budget that time but now I have enough savings left for organising a small party. Call over all of your close friends tomorrow evening and I will prepare all of your favourite things", Mummy said.
"But, mummy..." before I could even complete my line, Mummy took me into her arms and kissed me all over, mummy was on the moon. I was feeling really ashamed of myself. In a way, I was deceiving mummy, I had broken her trust by resorting to unfair means. But mummy was so happy that day that I just didn't have the courage to tell her the truth. I feared that she would have been really shocked and would have been heart-broken.
But the guilt was too much for me to handle. I had never hidden even the smallest of things from mummy, I would share with her even the most inane incidents and experiences from my day-to-day activities, even if they would have least interested her. Now I had committed a blunder and worse still, hadn't told her the truth yet. With each passing moment, I felt my guilt gnawing at me. I could take it no longer, I couldn't keep quiet.
I went to mummy, she was busy cooking. I hugged her from behind and burst out crying, "I am sorry, mummy, I have cheated you. I have lied to you, mummy," and I told her everything.
I thought she would spank me hard and I was prepared for it. But she didn't hit me, didn't say me a word and only went silent. For the next hour or so, she didn't talk to me. Understandably so, she was very hurt that I had lied to her, that I had cheated in the exam; this wasn't what she had taught us. How could I? Every minute of her silence was killing me more.
But then, she came up to me and said, "We will go to your class-teacher tomorrow and you have tell her everything that you just told me a few minutes back, you have to tell her the truth. Is that understood?" I nodded. The next day we went to my social studies teacher, Sujata ma'am; she also was my class teacher and I told her everything how I had cheated in the social studies exam and how that had helped me pip Ashis to the first rank. Mummy then categorically asked Sujata ma'am to deduct 12 marks from my total and requested her to re-announce the results so that Ashis could get the first rank that he so deserved. And so she did, the marks were re-evaluated and I got demoted to the second rank. But for some strange reason, I felt happy now, I felt so unburdened.
While I was going back to my class, mummy called me back and said, "Don't forget to invite your friends tonight for the party. By the time, you return home from school, I would have finished all arrangements and your favourite dishes too."
I was taken by surprise. "But mummy, I no more have the first rank! Why is the party then?"
What mummy said next moved me to tears, "the second rank that you got just now is much more valuable to me than all of your previous first ranks. The party is not just for your second rank but it is more for your honesty, for the fact that you told me the truth. I know I have always pushed you to study hard, to get the first rank in every exam but more than the ranks and the marks, I want you to become a good human being, a truthful human-being. You always knew that if you told the truth, you would have lost the first rank. And yet, you chose to tell the truth because you couldn't face your conscience eye to eye. That you didn't let your conscience lose is actually the first rank, if you see through my eyes. That is what matters to me the most, more than marks and ranks. By telling the truth, you have made me really proud. I am feeling proud today that I have raised you the right way." She said and hugged me, tears were hard to stop for both of us. She continued, "But promise me two things: that you would never cheat in any exam come what may. and secondly, you will continue to tell me the truth, even if you would have committed a murder"
"I promise you, mummy... and I love you so much, mummy".
"I love you too."
I had learnt my lesson that day and it still remains etched on my mind; that was the first and the only time I cheated in any exam. And it's not like I have never lied after that day, I have lied at times to cover up my mistakes but I have always made sure that my lies didn't hurt anyone's feelings or caused anyone any harm. I have lied to mummy too at times, apart from the little white lies here and there, but more often than not, I would go to her and confess my mistake. I have never hidden anything serious from her. Not that I am rewarded each time by her with my favourite delicacies like this incident, but every time when I have told her the truth however uncomfortable that might have been, she does give me a sound rebuke when I am gravely wrong but then also gives me a smile -- a smile that says, she appreciates that I told her the truth. I wouldn't trade that smile for anything in the world. For me, her smile is a big enough reward in itself.
So often we fall to the temptation and tell lies instead of the truth because telling the truth seems really hard whereas lying seems a more convenient and better option. But in reality, it's more harder to deal with our guilt and burdened soul when we tell a lie. Whatever may be the case, always go for the truth. The relief that you would get when you speak the truth is unmatchable. :)
